Love is not what you want, but who you are.
It is very important not to confuse it.
If you think love is what you want, you will go and look for it all around.
If you do, but you think love is you. You will go and give it all around.
The second approach will cause you to find what you would never find by searching.
My name is Romana Ezrova and I’m 29 years old. At the age of eighteen, I decided to change gender so that I could be a woman, myself. For many years I was looking for myself, got down and out. I finally found my way thanks to OM Chanting meditation technique. Today, I help LGBT people go through difficult situations.
It was pretty crazy to decide to change my sex, but I had no choice. I am a perfectionist and therefore I would not take to live in a body with which I do not correspond with. As a child, I felt that in many situations where I was traditionally ranked as a boy, something was wrong. I couldn’t naturally rank among the boys and experience the same approach to some tasks with them. I always thought that if I was with girls, I would have done better and I could handle it. The boys didn’t usually let me get involved actively; we were friends, but subconsciously they’ve been giving me the tasks most men give women.
The boys accepted me as I was, they were even helping me. I remember how they once helped me to make a wooden box or metal decoration in the workshops so I wouldn’t cut myself with a saw. In physical training, especially in football, I was a substitute, and I guarded and covered their backs during mischiefs. They also protected me when the kids from higher class started to attack us. I sat by the desk only with the girls and after school I was meeting with our girl class group. The group of girls was absolutely natural to me.
Probably the most important factors that made me realize that I was a woman who was locked in a man’s body came in puberty. Sexuality is a strong thing, and when I first fell in love with a boy, it was clear. Of course I had some relationships with girls before, but that didn’t work. I still remember that when I first saw Ondrej, I absolutely did not understand what was happening. It was so deep, I fell head over heels in love with him. I knew I wasn’t homosexual, it wasn’t just about sex, it was about feelings in my heart, I felt too much love. I was lucky and in a few weeks we were best friends.
Ondrej and I were quite popularly known duo soon – two guys with the dreadlocks reaching to the shoulders. Not many people knew what was behind all this. I know he knew what I felt about him, once he made a significant indication that he liked women and I said, “Sure, buddy, good luck, find the right one”. I knew we couldn’t be together and neither could I live like a man with a man. Ondrej loved my inner wife and I know he always felt her. I am sure he was relieved to discover that I was a woman because he knew why he felt that he felt for me and that his masculinity was perfectly balanced. We are still friends until nowadays. And even me and his wife with their son. Through my first love, I realized that if I wanted to be myself in this life, I had to be a woman. Be who I am. I decided to undergo a gender change. It was year 2007.
I was 18 years old, I was on high school. The most popular theme of eighteen is sex. Probably the least suitable time to step in front of your class and say out loud, “I decided to change gender, I’ll be back as Nikola after the holidays”. It was embarrassing, but I still think that the class teacher was even more nervous than I was. I am grateful that she advocated me and that the school allowed me to go through this transformation.
The situation was worse outside the school, on the street and in the school cafeteria, where I was meeting people from other schools. The insinuation with homosexual overtones were an everyday occurrence. I was happy to become a woman, but the neighborhood didn’t absolutely get it. At discotheques, I often got smashed my face in for being a queer who tries to abuse hetero guys. Hormones began to weaken my psyche and the first big mood changes began to appear. The plunges into depression and despair were more frequent. I didn’t look like a woman or a man. I waited for the medical committee to approve if it would allow me to undertake the surgery, and I worked hard to pass my graduation.
The situation also affected my parents, even they did not escape the mocking behavior. Dad also lost his job. A lot of friends have left us, so everything needed has been cleaned up. Only those who really loved us remained in our lives. And I left all parties and festivals full of alcohol, marijuana and ecstasies. It was a difficult year, but with the spring came a bright sun. Successful graduation, the medical committee approved the change of gender and my parents decided to pay me for a breast plastic surgery. It’s strange, someone gets a car, another one gets a chance to be himself.
How is the change going?
I had to live as a neutral person for a year, who doctors constantly watch how it adapts to the environment as a woman, but she is not a woman yet. They will make you to change your name to neutral. I was Nikola Ptacniku. She Nikola. He Nikola. Then, if they recognize that after sexological and psychological examinations it is transsexuality, they will give you hormones. These are tests where experts determine whether you are acting as a woman or a man based on different situations. And whether it is really transsexuality or mental disorder.
When they recognize transsexuality, you have to convince them with annual hormonal treatments that you are sure you want to undertake the operations that covers the insurance company. There is a lot of BUTs that is now being solved in the world. Many steps are not in compliance with human rights and are quite brutal. Such as compulsory sterilization. From an official point of view, if you are approved for an operation and you undergo a gender change and follow many other official steps, such as divorce, childcare, sterilization, you will be legally required to change your birth number, birth certificate and even the official sex. So for eleven years Romana has been in my papers and a woman in the box of sex. This gives me the right to live a fully-fledged “official” life like any woman. I am entitled to a wedding, children, property, or if I had to go to prison, for example, I would go to woman prison.
When I was 21 years old, I have already lived fully-fledged as a woman, but it still didn’t bring me happiness. The constant fear that I couldn’t have children, what if I didn’t find a partner was driving me crazy. I didn’t want to deal with anything anymore. I decided to make a thick line behind my old life. I went to live in Germany. I have prepared some clever answers why I cannot have children and why I have scars on my body. Again and again, my naivety was manifested. I’m a good actress, but I love people so much that I can’t lie to them. So the pretence didn’t last long, and I was forced, by my conscience, to tell my partner who I was. We had lived together for two years before I told him. In a few days he accepted everything and we did not return to it anymore. The only thing that broke was the trust, and after another year the relationship went to hell. I could not continue, Stefan’s composure, approval and compulsion to conceal me irritated me. I didn’t want to live in a lie, I don’t know why, but I felt I had to go on and start living in harmony with myself and stop lying to myself and people around me.
It was harder than I thought, I couldn’t get a job nor a partner, and I felt all alone. I ended up where I started in Germany three years ago, in the table dance bars. But this time I overdone it, constantly catching up with the past. I often thought that if I were born as a girl I would have a house today and expect a family. Instead, I was going around nightclubs, slacking through the night streets, looking for myself. I started drinking a lot and returning to drugs. There were still people who recognized me and wanted to hurt me or mock me. I was approached by men who had sexual problems and thought I was the one they could apply them to.
I got lost completely. Because of my extraordinary social gift and sense of humor, I became a popular member of cocaine parties. Flooded with compliments, gifts and money. I found a patch for those years of stress. And that was traveling, parties, luxury, money, drugs and alcohol. It made me feel good at the beginning, I didn’t have to worry about who I was, why I was, what was expected of me. I got love in strange beds. I won’t lie, it was fun. I made up for the leaked years of puberty.
But the consequences were disastrous. After two years, when I was twenty-five, I found out that drugs combined with the hormones I was taking created a lethal cocktail. I suffered from sleep disorders, voices and shadows haunted me. The states of depression and anxiety stretched from hours to several days. People who talked about HIV and how they sold their lives of self-anguish and not accepting themselves began to occure around me more and more. I decided to return home.
After I underwent a treatment I returned to Germany and started living with Sebastian. I didn’t hide anything from him, but he took the past as the past and I was happy. Sebastian had a daughter from a previous relationship, she liked us both. I finally lived a normal family life. One day, however, there was a bang on the door and his former girlfriend rushed into the room. She found out about me who I was and what work I did. She thrust a paper into Sebastian’s hands with custody request and she threatened him with court order. It was a nightmare, a shadow lurking in the trench. We tried to solve it peacefully, I was different person now, but nothing went for her. I couldn’t stand in the way of Sebastian and his daughter. Just as I gave up my best friends and former partners, I gave up even my family. I stopped believing that love would prevail.
I returned to Czech Republic, to my hometown. My hairdresser invited me to a group technique, chanting of the mantra Om. My first OM Chanting surprised me very much, it was stronger than I thought. I immediately felt more joy and my taste for life. My night fears ceased and I started to sleep for several hours at a time. I started to visit OM Chanting regularly and got into better mental condition. Things and situations that I could not solve before were solved by natural course of events. My physical condition also improved. I was again filled with joy and appetite, I quit smoking and gave up all addictions once and away. Taking responsibility for my life now seemed to me as a reward, not a hard work. I was given the opportunity to start living again.
OM Chanting is a thousand years old harmonization technique that provides transformation and support to all people and the world. It transforms negative energy and creates positive energy. So every person who has put his pains, wounds, fears, or destruction programs and addictions deep into himself has the opportunity to reopen them and transform them, to give them away. Gradually I decided to take an accredited coaching course and native therapies. I became OM Chanting coordinator and teacher of the program called Project mantra.
Many of us face problems in our lives that we don’t manage to overcome. We still have the same behavioral patterns that we always slide back to, even though we do a lot of things against it. Very often these are the social roles we have inadvertently assumed during our upbringing and adolescence. Other times these are the results of moments when we felt threatened, oppressed, robbed and abused. Our organism, in an effort to protect us, pushed these moments and experiences beyond our consciousness and hid them in depth. From there we pull them out repeatedly whenever we feel threatened. We punish ourselves and blame ourselves. Remorse then turns into manifestations on the physical body, changes in the emotional field, and decaying relationships and body.
Freedom for LGBT
I have been preparing for the position of therapist. With an international team, we attend joint events and sessions of trans people and show them alternative techniques to support in difficult situations. We organize OM Chantings, play theater performances and tell our stories as motivation. We devise applications and technical means to connect and simplify the lives of trans students. We are preparing informative projects for schools and the public. Our goal is to establish an alternative foundation to help LGBT, reduce chemical hormones, and try natural estrogens and testosterones.
I wish for true freedom of LGBT. Just as hundred of years ago women wanted freedom and the same rights as men. When we open our perception of the world to unconditional love, we see that all the problems of the world arise from the illusory concept of division into groups. And rating people based on their rankings of education, power, fame, or money. I would like people in the future to understand the topic of transgender groups. To be more aware of the topic and people know they should approach us from the heart and not from the sex point of view. And I want the trans people not to make transsexuality extravagant and not to be considered victims of the curse of fate.